Beyond Orthodox Conversion to Judaism

"Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar says, 'Do not appease your fellow in the time of his anger; do not console him when his dead lies before him; do not question him about his vow at the time he makes it; and do not see him at the time of his degradation'".

 The first part of the Mishna tells us that we shouldn't try and appease our friend when he is angry. The commentators explain that the reason is when a person is angry they lose themselves and don't think rationally and will often berate the person who is trying to help them. It is certainly better to wait for the anger to subside than trying to speak to the person at that time.

 When a person is angry, the Talmud tells us even if they were standing over the pit of gehinom (hell) they would not be moved to repent or let the anger go. We lose ourselves in the moment and no matter what anyone will tell us (within reason) we will not listen or even entertain the advice they are trying to give us.

This is similar to trying to console someone when their dead is in front of them. Since this a very highly charged time, it is better to console them during the mourning period. This is in fact the mitzvah of consoling mourners that we go to their homes and help console them for their loss.

What we would tell them at the funeral is of no consequence because of the pain that they are feeling at that time. The best we can do is give them a hug, a consoling glance...to show that you care. This is certainly better than any words a person can say!

We cannot also try and question a person at the time they make a vow. Sometimes a vow is made in frustration or anger but if we try and find a way to annul it while they are making it, we would best use our energy for something else.

There is a disagreement the Talmud discusses whether it is better to make a vow and uphold it or not to make a vow at all. At the end of the discussion the Talmud concludes that is better to not have made the vow. Certainly though if someone made the vow, that is not the time to try and convince them why they should not have done it.

It is better to wait rather than try and convince someone at the height of what they are doing. They certainly won't listen and will be offended at your overtures.

The last part of the Mishna tells us that we should not see a person at his time of degradation. When a person embarrasses themselves or does something wrong, we shouldn't be there to watch and enjoy. Very often these things can happen right in front of us, but if we stay there and gawk, it embarrasses the person even further.

We learn from here how careful a person must be in their interactions with others. We have to know when it is ok to speak and when it is better to not say anything. Unfortunately we often act without thinking and although we think we are helping out, in reality we are causing the other pain.

We must be careful at times of great emotion where someone is either angry or lost a dear one to step back and not say anything until the anger or hurt subsides. We will cause more damage than it is worth if we try and answer during these trying time!

May G-d gives us the strength to know when to speak and give the right words to the person at the appropriate time!